Proceed with caution. You and your view of the world will never be the same.
by Ron Macklin
Why is it… a statement that is seemingly contradictory or opposed to common sense and yet is perhaps true.
Why is it… 24-1.1. - We find helping others rewarding, but accepting help from others is uncomfortable or even agonizing?
What if… an idea or explanation that you then test through study or experimentation
What if… 24-1.2- Allowing others to contribute to us in a manner they want to is the secret to building deep real connections.
What if… 24-1.3- Deep real connections are the secret to happiness.
Why do we find helping others rewarding, but accepting help from others uncomfortable or even agonizing?
We may even offer help to others before taking care of ourselves. And refuse to accept help when we need it the most. What is going on with us?
Why does helping others feel so good? Have you ever offered someone help and their face lit up like a five-year-old when they realize today is their birthday? They were so happy to have the help. They were grateful for your help. And they weren’t critical of the help. They were simply grateful. How did you feel? I challenge you to say your response out loud. Let the sound of your answer go out of your mouth and back into your ears.
Have you ever offered someone help, and they respond, “no thanks”, or “I got this”? Do you feel connected, dejected or not enough? Do you crave helping them in the future? Do you like the person? Do you avoid the person? Do you see their faults or their strengths? What stories were you telling yourself? Again, I challenge you to say your response out loud. Let the sound of your answer go out of your mouth and back into your ears.
When someone offers you help, what is your first response? Does your face light up? Are you curious what you could learn from them and how you could use what you learn to help others? Or does your internal dialogue/fear take over and say, “thank you, no, I got this”. Or you say, “Can you tell me how you will help me, and I will assess if it’s good enough for me?” (Ok the last part may be spoken in your head.) Or “thanks for your offer but your help has to be to my perfect standards, otherwise, no thank you”. Why do we put up these Shields? Who are we protecting?
We call stories that we use to hide our vulnerabilities, Shields. Some of the Shields we’re using to decline or reject help include:
So far, we’ve talked about whether we can help others or others can help us get stuff done. What if the help gotten, given, or even getting stuff done is not the part that creates happiness?
The longest running study on happiness reveals it is not getting stuff done, winning awards, making, or having lots of money that creates happiness. It’s the connections and relationships that we create that enable us to be happy. So how do we create connections and relationships? (Great, another thing I don’t know how to do!)
What if every time we have any interaction with another human, it’s an opportunity to connect, to build a relationship, that enables us to create happiness. Would you approach every person focusing on the connection and relationship first, and the getting help, “getting things done”, second.
When you offer to help someone and your goal was to build a connection or relationship first, would your speaking be different?
When someone is offering to help and you notice this as an opportunity to connect or build a relationship first, would your willingness to accept help be different?
In our seven-part connection method, part two is to “care and be able to give help”. Part seven is to “allow others to contribute to you”. We struggle the most with part seven, allowing others to contribute to us. And allowing others to contribute to us has the most capacity to create connections and to create happiness.
Reflection questions, I recommend you answer them out loud:
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