Harnessing the Power of Compassionate Communication

By Lisa Qualls, MacklinConnection Session Leader

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What does it mean to be afraid, and what does it mean to have compassion? To be afraid is to look at the world and see the things that can hurt you, and then seek to protect yourself. To be compassionate then, I’d argue, is to look at the world, and understand that everyone you see is equally afraid.

‍Understanding Fear

There is this little voice inside of us that speaks from fear, disdain, and indifference. It is not little because it is quiet, but because it often speaks of things that make us feel small. Things like “I don’t want to talk to him, he’s boring,” or “They don’t need help, I’m busy.” Or maybe even “He’s a stranger, I can’t trust him.” This Scared Self is in everyone, on the lookout to protect us from danger and discomfort.

“Fear is such a powerful emotion for humans that when we allow it to take us over, it drives compassion right out of our hearts.” — St. Thomas Aquinas

It’s not wrong to have a Scared Self —  that fearful voice protects us from dangerous situations. The voice that pops up when we walk too close to a ledge, or an unfriendly dog, it’s our Scared Self acting to protect us. It’s when our Scared Self pops up when we’re not in danger that we need to pay attention and start asking questions.

When I notice that I don’t want to talk to someone, or do something, I ask myself, “Why am I afraid?” If I know why I’m afraid, then I ask, “Is it relevant?” I can be afraid of asking for help because of how it would look, but if there is someone around who is more than willing to help, then that fear isn’t terribly relevant. If I don’t know why I’m afraid, then what is there to fear?
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Cultivating Compassion 

Compassion comes from an understanding of fear. Compassion, I find, isn’t the absence of the Scared Self — it’s the understanding that everyone else has a Scared Self too. When I see my neighbor needs help, I may think “They don’t need help, I’m scared they’ll be offended by my offer,” but their own self is playing a counter-narrative. They might see me and think “I can’t look weak, they’ll think less of me.”

It’s only by recognizing that someone else is scared just like me that I can look beyond myself and offer compassion. I can notice that my neighbor is struggling, but also that they might be scared of accepting help, and act accordingly.

It’s in the little things that I most often find compassion, like helping a stranger at the supermarket or seeing an older neighbor struggling with a physical task and offering a hand. Or simply taking the time to be a quiet, listening ear. These are small, easy things, but they are not always easy to notice and act upon, because we often stand in our own way. I don’t want to be in the way; I want to help. So I remember everyone is afraid, and do so.


Compassionate communication is a powerful skill. Want to learn more? Join us for an upcoming MacklinConnection workshop.