Should-Ing, Again

I should have had this draft out on Sunday. Right now, I should read my texts, as there may be something I should respond to and there is a call I should prepare for. OK, I am back. I should check the driveway to see if I need to clean off more snow and ice, assuring it's dry before the temperature drops again. I should take a class on MailChimp. I should not get upset with someone when they don’t keep a promise. Oh yes, I should check my phone for texts again. 

My moods or ways of being when I’m triggered to ‘should’ myself are somewhere between angry, or scared, or worried, or regretful. Why am I doing this to myself?

If my nervous system had a dashboard, in place of a “check engine” light, it would have an amber should-ing light. (OK, maybe it should have a buzzer too! Argh, I just should on myself.)  What does the word “should” do to me? It makes me moral.

“Should” is usually used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s action. When I ‘should’ on myself, I make myself wrong. Wrong, as if I clearly know the right thing to do and have not, am not or will not be able to do it. In fact, I am not taking these actions because I am taking actions that help me avoid threats, fulfill my obligations and take advantage of the opportunities available to further my intentions. Yet, I have these ‘shoulds’ floating around in my Self Talk.

How to shift our focus from what we ‘should’ do and focus on actions

My stand includes not should-ing on myself when I notice I am should-ing on myself.  Yet, this is not easy to do. “I can’t believe I just ‘should’ on myself… again!”  When I notice I am should-ing on myself, I smile and toss myself a line to not ‘should’ on myself.  I recover myself by simply restating what was done or not done as a noticing. “This draft did not go on Sunday.” I then state to mySelf my new commitment. “I commit to getting this draft complete for review by noon today.” I have not checked my texts, but I will check them when I am complete with the draft of Tossing Lines. My mood is now centered in action. The huge list of 'shoulds' I was dumping on myself suddenly disappears.

Also, I ‘should’ on others. They should (not) buy that flat screen. They should (not) let their child get away with those actions. When I should on others, again I have made myself moral and put something in my Self Talk that will show up in their listening when I am talking with them. I toss myself the line “Never ‘should’ on your network,” and I restate what was done or not done as my noticings. They purchased a new flat screen.  Their child did this. I notice I can Be with them and see the situation they are dealing with free of morality. I state my commitment, I commit to Being a neighbor, friend, partner, husband, father, etc.

And I notice others should-ing on themselves as well. When I notice them should-ing on themselves or others, I check in with them and ask what is going on. They normally speak from a moral mood, and I work to lead them through a series of questions that start with restating what happened and end with creating an opportunity to commit to a future situation.

Well, it’ 11:59 a.m. and my draft is ready for review.

Want to learn more? Join us for an upcoming workshop.