How Mad Do You Want to Be?

It’s exhausting Being mad.  Being mad impacts the decisions we make and our relationships with others. When we’re mad we don’t process information as effectively and we don’t make good decisions.  So how do we stop being mad?

What it Looks Like to Be Mad

I remember it clearly.  I was standing in the entryway to my house.  My wife, Jessica, was sitting on our bench putting on her shoes.  And, boy, was I mad!

Our teenage son had just done something to p*ss me off.  I had all the body sensations of being mad – tight muscles, red face, and maybe some strong language.  After hearing a few strings of choice words and without looking up, Jessica says, “Do you really want to be mad about that?”

Immediately, in my head, I say, “You bet I do!”  Yet, after a few seconds, I said quietly, out loud, “No” and walked back to finish what I had been doing prior to the upset.

You may be wondering what it was that my son did.  To this day I have no idea what it was.  Whatever it was is as gone as my anger in the moments after my wife tossed that line.  Yet, the line that my wife tossed has stuck with me.  I toss it to myself when I get mad, irritated, or frustrated.  This simple line reminds me that I have a choice.  I choose how to Be because I am a closed system.

Creating the “Being Mad” Story

I find that I can create stories of how people are making me mad as if they actually could make me mad.  Sure, people can say and do things to perturb me, but it is not biologically possible to make me or anyone else mad any more than it is possible to raise someone else’s hand because we are closed systems.  

We can get good at predicting how someone will respond and think we are making them respond that way.  In fact, we are not making them respond at all.  Each person has the choice of how they respond.  Think about it, why do different people get mad about different things?  Wouldn’t it be the same for everyone if it wasn’t a choice?

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